You probably have been exposed to, in some way or another, Gary Chapman’s Love Languages. (If you have not yet read this book, I highly recommend it.) I have used this tool in numerous situations when dealing with people of all ages. I would like to talk with you now about how you can apply the genius in this system to your own family. Mr. Chapman explains in his book Love Languages that there are five different ones and each of us has a predominate language. The languages include the following:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
Let’s quickly review the essence of each of these before moving on. A person whose Love Language is words of affirmation needs from you validation of worth through your comments. These people will work for nothing if you just tell them what a great job they are doing! Quality time is pretty self explanatory; these individuals need time with you to feel your love. A person whose love language is gifts will hear love when presented with tangible items; this individual loves “things.” An act of service person hears their language spoken when another does something for them.
My husband is an acts of service person. I discovered this shortly after reading Mr. Chapman’s book. Keith will clean the garage and tell me, or empty the dishwasher and announce, “The dishes are put away!” I quickly realized that what he is really saying is, “I clean the garage because I love you.” I just tag onto his declarations, ‘because I love you’ and it all makes sense. Since learning this, I now make the effort to speak ‘his language’; I will do things like make his lunch before he heads into work. This simple task speaks loud and clear to him – he is loved!
The final language is physical touch; this is not to be confused with romantic touch. The physical touch person is exemplified for the person who feels love through a hug or a pat on the back.
Take a minute to think about your love language and then some time to discover the languages your family members speak. This is a great tool that can enhance communication and allow you to connect readily with those most important to you.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Understanding our basic needs
We have four basic needs beyond our physical condition. Certainly we all need food, shelter, and water, but those are not the kind of needs I am talking about. In addition to physical needs, we also have psychological needs. They are Love, Power, Fun, and Freedom. We need these every day. If you are not meeting these needs, then you are not happy, and unhappy children are very difficult to motivate.
Love is not the romantic type of love. Often this need is fulfilled through our family. We need people that love us, care for us, and contribute to our sense of belonging. This type of love comes from involvement and a commitment of time and energy. We need to know this kind of love every day.
We must also have power. This is not power over someone, and that can be difficult for some to comprehend, but it is a sense of competence. Power is knowing that there are things that you do well. You need to feel good about what you do and to have those skills acknowledged every day. Sometimes we do this by allowing our children to have opportunities to reinforce those skills, to do things that they are good at to achieve that sense of power.
For example, my work with NEW American School is cyber based and I have students across the country as well as in my home. One day I said to one of my students , “Alex, I need your help. Could you walk Lyle in Atlanta through how to set up his first course for me, please?” Alex, who is twelve, agreed to do this. He got on the phone with Lyle and began walking him through the process. Things went really well and when Alex hung up the phone, he was grinning. I asked him how things had gone and he said, ‘That was a really good kind of weird.’” I asked him what he meant, and he said it just felt good to be the 'expert'. He asked if he could do this more often, and now, we have a peer mentoring program. It’s a win-win situation because both students get something from the relationship.
The third need is fun. We know that kids are really good at meeting this need, but family members of all ages need this. Fun involves pleasure, enjoyment, learning, and laughter. Things that refresh and renew our energies are fun. Having taught these concepts at conferences for many years, I have seen that this area is difficult for adults. However, our children need to see us having fun as well. If “growing up” isn’t fun, why will they want to do it? Look for ways to have fun and be seen having fun so that this need is met for all of the family.
And finally, freedom – Freedom is a big issue for kids. They need to know that they have the ability to choose how they meet their fun, love, and power needs for the day. They need to learn how to make decisions and find the freedom to be decisive, two different things.
I work out with my neighbor, and sometimes on a really good day, I can meet all four of my needs before 6:30 in the morning. My neighbor, Teresa, does like me – we’re friends. So, when I go over there in the morning, I get the need for love fulfilled. I can also meet my need for power on some days, because Teresa is an orthodontist, and she works with teenagers. Sometimes teenagers don’t brush when they have braces, or mess with their rubber bands, etc. So, we will brainstorm during our work out about how to behaviorally help them through that, enabling me to be the expert on behavioral issues. We always have fun every morning when we work out. I mean, would you get up that early if you couldn’t have a little fun? In addition this hour is very important to me, it is my little piece of freedom every day. So, on a lucky day, all four of my basic needs are met before 6 a.m.
One thing I encourage you to do and to teach your children to do is to run a mental checklist at the end of each day. Did my needs get met? If not – why not? What can I do differently tomorrow? This is very helpful when you have not had the best of days. When my kids were little, there were many days that I didn’t get any freedom. How many of you have met your husband at the door and said, “I just need a few minutes ALONE to have a bath.” If I had known I had basic needs to meet back then, I might have named this lack of freedom and incorporated a way to bring it into my live so I could have been happier.
Love is not the romantic type of love. Often this need is fulfilled through our family. We need people that love us, care for us, and contribute to our sense of belonging. This type of love comes from involvement and a commitment of time and energy. We need to know this kind of love every day.
We must also have power. This is not power over someone, and that can be difficult for some to comprehend, but it is a sense of competence. Power is knowing that there are things that you do well. You need to feel good about what you do and to have those skills acknowledged every day. Sometimes we do this by allowing our children to have opportunities to reinforce those skills, to do things that they are good at to achieve that sense of power.
For example, my work with NEW American School is cyber based and I have students across the country as well as in my home. One day I said to one of my students , “Alex, I need your help. Could you walk Lyle in Atlanta through how to set up his first course for me, please?” Alex, who is twelve, agreed to do this. He got on the phone with Lyle and began walking him through the process. Things went really well and when Alex hung up the phone, he was grinning. I asked him how things had gone and he said, ‘That was a really good kind of weird.’” I asked him what he meant, and he said it just felt good to be the 'expert'. He asked if he could do this more often, and now, we have a peer mentoring program. It’s a win-win situation because both students get something from the relationship.
The third need is fun. We know that kids are really good at meeting this need, but family members of all ages need this. Fun involves pleasure, enjoyment, learning, and laughter. Things that refresh and renew our energies are fun. Having taught these concepts at conferences for many years, I have seen that this area is difficult for adults. However, our children need to see us having fun as well. If “growing up” isn’t fun, why will they want to do it? Look for ways to have fun and be seen having fun so that this need is met for all of the family.
And finally, freedom – Freedom is a big issue for kids. They need to know that they have the ability to choose how they meet their fun, love, and power needs for the day. They need to learn how to make decisions and find the freedom to be decisive, two different things.
I work out with my neighbor, and sometimes on a really good day, I can meet all four of my needs before 6:30 in the morning. My neighbor, Teresa, does like me – we’re friends. So, when I go over there in the morning, I get the need for love fulfilled. I can also meet my need for power on some days, because Teresa is an orthodontist, and she works with teenagers. Sometimes teenagers don’t brush when they have braces, or mess with their rubber bands, etc. So, we will brainstorm during our work out about how to behaviorally help them through that, enabling me to be the expert on behavioral issues. We always have fun every morning when we work out. I mean, would you get up that early if you couldn’t have a little fun? In addition this hour is very important to me, it is my little piece of freedom every day. So, on a lucky day, all four of my basic needs are met before 6 a.m.
One thing I encourage you to do and to teach your children to do is to run a mental checklist at the end of each day. Did my needs get met? If not – why not? What can I do differently tomorrow? This is very helpful when you have not had the best of days. When my kids were little, there were many days that I didn’t get any freedom. How many of you have met your husband at the door and said, “I just need a few minutes ALONE to have a bath.” If I had known I had basic needs to meet back then, I might have named this lack of freedom and incorporated a way to bring it into my live so I could have been happier.
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